Episode 6: Diamonds Are A Cat's Best Friend

An acrobatic cat burglar makes free with a pricey diamond, leaving a pawprint-emblazoned calling card.

Time to call in...



Funky Squad.

Grant and Cassie check out the scene of the robbery - the tenth diamond burglary in the last month..



While Poncho and Stix get some expert information on diamonds...



There IS an obscure pattern visible to the trained eye - the first stone was four carats, the next five, the next six...



Some skylarking back at Funky HQ jogs Cassie’s memory... The glove marks on the window are from fencing gloves. SuperCassie, on top of a science degree and art school, also went to finishing school where she learned fencing.

They head to fencing school, where they find a guy in a wheelchair and a shifty lump of a law student.



Time for a stakeout, outside the site of the only local 14-carat diamond. And it’s time for Cassie to be prodded with the character development stick.



I grew up in a neighbourhood just like this. Sure, we had all the mod cons, but it came at a price. My parents were divorced. Daddy was too wrapped up in his business deals, and Mummy was too wrapped up in a bottle of gin. I learned the hard way - money’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Then, a dozen cop cars turn up, sirens blazing, to break the mood and scare the cat away. Stix puruses him across the rooftops, getting red tar all over his boots in the process, but the cat gets away.



Mr dodgy law student has an alibi - he was in a fencing tournament that night and won a medal, so obviously wasn’t scaling walls afer all. But the instructor - the guy in the wheelchair - has red tar all over the soles of his shoes....

There’s only one 15 carat diamond in the world - The Abyssinian Queen - and it’s conveniently on show tonight at the Plaza hotel.



(And don't they all scrub up nicely? I think Ponch is channelling Jon Pertwee, though...)

The coach is there, wheelchair and all, and Stix keeps an eye on him while fighting off the advances of a woman with some large... jewels... of her own.



Cassie's fencing skills stand her in good stead for a stand-off with the coach, complete with much dramatic sword-tip-removal of necklace and tie.



In the ads this week Grant Paige, film stuntman, flogs yet another brand of cola, this time in a press-stud can. Someone who might be that ‘Mike’ guy from a few episodes ago is back touting some sort of hammond organ, Verity Svensen-Hart flogs 'Brown and Beautiful’ tanning muck and dyna-mints blow some beachgoers minds’ with the help of some unsublte camera-wobble.

Quotes of note

Stix: My head’s spinning... All those diamonds and carats - I thought only rabbits ate carrots!

Grant: If it’s a cat burglar we’re after... I think we’ve found our puss.

Verity flogs Brown and Beautiful tanning lotion: With a combination of coconut oil and baby oil which allows you to burn easily - which as we all know, is the basis of a healthy tan...
Voice over: Also available, Burnt and Beautiful after-sun cream.

Stix: We just about had that cat in cuffs when you chipped in the straight laces and blew our cover.

The squaddies waltz into a swish do, where everyone’s dripping with furs and jewels.
Stix: Last time I saw this much fur... Was at the zoo!

Grant: So our cat burglar’s in a cell doing 20 plus
Stix: Let’s hope there’s plenty of kitty litter!

Would the real SFD 497 please rev up?

Here's a very strange piece of trivia.

The numberplate of Funky Squad's red Mustang convertible, as seen parked outside the fencing school, is SFD 497. (The convertible’s top alternates between beige and black throughout the series, but we’ll let that slide for now.)

The numberplate of the car in the garage which we see while the cat is breaking into the 14 carat house is SFD 497.

The numberplate of the marked police car complete with flashing lights which arrives a few moments later is SFD 497.

I have no idea what it all means, and I'm not entirely convinced it's not some kind of elaborate in-joke. After all, how do you accidentally have the same plates on three different vehicles in the same scene?

Next time we look at the final episode, appropriately called The Carnival Is Over.